Why I Don't Care If My Husband Sees Your Boobs

Okay, so I suck at this blogging stuff, and gave up before I even got started. However, I read a blog post today that got me a bit fired up and I'm feeling the need to talk about it. This post: My Husband Doesn't Need to See Your Boobs. I'm pretty passionate about feminism and slut-shaming, so this post pushed all my buttons. I've seen a good response or two to this, but they were rooted in religion, and that's not a perspective I am coming from.

I'm writing this because of the above post, and other similar posts I have seen as of late. I've been in debate after debate on modesty culture and slut-shaming. I refuse to alter myself and my appearance to make other people more comfortable - it's called being authentic and who I am. I want to dismantle some of these arguments as best I can, though I'm sure others can do it more eloquently.

When you are writing or speaking about something, and you start off with "I'm not being _____, but..." you instantly negate everything before the "but". "I'm not being sexist, but..." "I'm not being racist, but.." "I'm not being judgmental, but..." Yeah, it doesn't work that way. We all have our judgmental moments, it happens, but it's probably not a good idea to write a blog post airing that if you don't want people to see you that way. When you say you're not being judgmental, but then say that the actions of other people are affecting you, your husband, or your marriage negatively and ask them "But would you, could you, keep your boobs out of my marriage?" you ARE shaming and judging them, no matter how many times you claim you are not. Judging me. And let me tell you, I'm not responsible for your marriage and I'm not putting my boobs in it. You and your husband are.

I get insecurity. Seriously, I do. I'm a 40 year old woman who wears a size 14 and has a massive scar going from hip to hip. I remember being a size 2 and constantly critique myself in the mirror as well as look at old pictures and getting all "and I used to think I was FAT." However, boobs are welcome. The more the merrier. If my husband wants to stare at or fantasize about someone else's boobs - or ass, since he's really more of an ass-man - that's fine by me. You see, someone else's boobs are not going to harm my marriage, and if they were then it obviously wasn't much of one. The only people who can truly harm my marriage are myself and my husband. And that's not going to change by a parade of tight, toned, half-naked bodies, either in cyberspace or out here in reality-ville.

To ask or expect women to censor themselves and their social media is ridiculous bullshit. It's slut-shaming. It's assuming that you have some ownership over them and their bodies to feel entitled to demand that of them. It is wanting them to change or cover themselves so that YOU don't have to be uncomfortable. Your feelings don't give you the power or the right to infringe on someone else's and you can't expect them to respect your comfort zone if you don't respect theirs. You may already realize this. You may think that because you said you claim you aren't "chastising" us for our pictures that you're not really crossing the line, but you are. You did with the first few lines. You claim that you understand your husband is responsible for his reactions, but the rest of your words contradict that and you lay the blame at our feet. I didn't say vows to you and I owe you nothing. HE does.

I hurt for you, and for many women like you, don't get me wrong. I don't want to come off as cold and callous, because I know how rough it is to feel insecurity in yourself and in your marriage. I know how it is to wonder if it's really you he's wanting or thinking of, if he's with you because he WANTS you or out of convenience. I know what it's like to look at other women and feel like you are old or fat or frumpy or lacking in some way. I GET that - but I am not responsible for it, and I refuse to change who I am because you may think at this moment that my doing so will make it suddenly better. It won't. That's something you're going to have to find in you, and it sucks. It's a hard process. But it is SO worth it in the end.

You speak out against modesty culture, but the rest of your blog post is completely buying into it. I can handle that. I've lived long enough that I'm confident in how I look and present myself. A little slut-shaming isn't going to send me running to cover up. I am speaking up, though, for the girls and women who are young and finding out who they are. I'm doing it for my 6 year old daughter who is already worrying about skirts being too short, panties showing, and tops that don't cover her shoulders, thanks to both school dress codes and well-meaning people commenting on her clothing. She worries about the length of her hair thanks to other kids telling her she's a boy if she keeps her pixie cut. She worries about things that she used to LOVE to paid together because of comments from the grownups around her, stifling her creativity. I want her to dress as she wishes without these worries. Your blog is just another part of that, as is modesty culture, which again suggests that female bodies need to be dressed a certain way so as not to be distracting or shameful or BAD. I dress my body as I wish, and that's what I want for my daughters and for every other girl and woman I know. Whether my girls are size 2 or size 20 when they grow up, I want them to love their bodies, be proud of them, revel in them - not hide them away in shame.

So, I will continue to post what I want on Instagram and Facebook - including cleavage pics! - and hopefully you will continue to work on you and on your marriage and find the security and happiness you seem to currently be lacking. I'm not being sarcastic, I really hope you DO find it. Life is so much better when you do. And hey... if any half-naked guys want to end up in my feed, please do! I'm all for equal opportunity flaunting.

Finding the Positive

This is something that's so hard for me and I keep saying I need to work on it but never follow through. There's always a reason, but it's not good enough anymore. I am a mom of 3, a military spouse, and I have bipolar II disorder. I lack patience, I lack focus, and I often lack self-control. But the worst part of all is that I have lost sight of all of the positive things in life. I have a hard time seeing them in my life, in my marriage, in myself, and worst of all...in my kids.

So, this is me chronicling my journey to try to change that. To move past my tendency to see the worst, to expect the worst - both from myself and everyone around me - and start finding the joy and beauty in life again. My first step is today. I have decided that we are going to treat each other better in this house. Everyone - including me - is going to start saying please and thank you and using kind and gentle voices. So far, it's already making an impact on my day. We will see how well I can keep it up.